ON growth (and grief)
ON growth (and grief)
when life grows around grief (and other hard things)
Content Warning: grief, pregnancy loss, miscarriage, infant loss
Last September I shared my experience of miscarriage on the internet.
I didn’t realize that talking about miscarriage publicly would be radical (because I personally see a lot of conversations about it on Instagram) - or that it would provide necessary support through solidarity (with so many people saying, ‘This happened to me, too.’)
But writing about my experience connected me with so many people who have lived through similar grief.
Several months after my announcement, a friend shared this post with me through Instagram that says -
“People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. In reality, grief stays the same size; but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it.” (Original statement by Lois Tonkin.)
I remember my mother saying almost-exactly this during a (rare) conversation where she explained the grief of losing my sister.
“How did you keep going after that?” I asked.
“I had to,” she said, “because I had to take care of you. The grief never went away… but I learned how to keep living.”
The grief never goes away. But we keep living.
Life grows around our grief. Because life gets bigger.
And I’m realizing that this metaphor doesn’t only work with grief.
Life is all about growth, from beginning to end. So maybe other hard experiences are equally baked into the growth experience of being human -
I wondered if the grief of losing this pregnancy would shrink my capacity to celebrate new life for other families; but it only deepened my connection to other womxn and cracked open the possibility for whole-body joy.
I thought having a second child would overwhelm me to the point of collapse; but my life (and my heart, my soul) grew big enough to envelope my girls with a kind of love I didn’t understand before.
I thought working and parenting simultaneously would ensure I failed at both; but now I can’t imagine doing one without the other (they both grow my person in ways I don’t understand yet).
Which makes me wonder: Are these hard experiences working to stretch our capacity to hold greater possibility?
I’m not talking about growth- or productivity-mindset here.
I’m talking about the natural expansion that comes with the embrace of what life has to offer - good parts and hard parts, both.
What if, instead of stripping my schedule of things that feel like “too much,” I embrace the ones that nourish my mind-body-soul (even if they’re challenging and time-consuming)?
What if, instead of shrinking into solitude, I show up in public spaces as-is? Or the reverse, instead of shrinking into the comfort of crowded public space, I show up in solitude as-is?
(You might notice, this is about doing the inverse of what’s holding me back, whatever that means.)
What if, instead of underestimating myself, I trust my mind-body-soul to expand?
What if I start making earrings again, for fun?
What if I make time-consuming meals, because they’re nourishing?
What if I have that conversation with my sister, even though it’s late?
What if I show up to the playdate, even if I have nothing to say?
What if I say ‘YES!’ to teaching a movement class, even if I don’t have the ‘how to’ quite figured out yet?
My first thought is that I will fail at all of these things, and more.
My second thought is that this might open greater possibilities for me (might stretch me past limits I’ve previously taken for granted)… and expand similar possibilities for the people I share time and space with.
What do you think? (I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, too!)
Thank you so much for reading,
xx
alycia buenger